Does anyone else hear the nagging voice of self-doubt and self-recrimination? I hear it so often that last night I decided to give it a name.
Meet Aunt Aggie.
Aunt Aggie is a small misshapen woman who will never ever admit her goblin heritage, despite her love for mischief. She has a fondness for garish flowery smock dresses, the brighter the better, and a wispy chin. A cigarette permanently dangles from her red-painted mouth, scattering ash like blessings. She constantly knits - tumbles of grey greasy wool tangle around her belly and by her feet. It looks as though she is knitting chainmail, or perhaps nothing so fancy. Perhaps just chains.
We grew up together, Aggie and I. I have a fancy she was younger once, slightly thinner, more hungry. She was always knitting though.
Her usual perch is on my shoulder. She likes it there. She may be small but she is devilishly quick at spotting my hesitancy, and will scramble to her seat. Once there she starts speaking – no pleasant how-do-you-do for Aunt Aggie. Her knitting needles will flash and click and her voice will be a low rasping monotone with no break, no pause, no respite.
This is what she was saying last night.
You were hopeless in that presentation. Didn’t you hear how you fumbled that sentence? Let’s re-play that again, but picture everyone looking bored by the very idea of you. That’s right - look at their faces; they hate you really. It’s because you looked like an idiot. Maybe you’ll be sacked. And what makes you think you can write anyway? You know you can’t. People who say they like your stories are just being kind. They pity you. No one believes in you really, you may as well not bother. You should give up before you become even more of an embarrassment.
She never looks at me as she speaks, but addresses her words to the rather long, rather sharp, clacking needles. I try to block her out but her voice seeps into my self-conscious, until I fall asleep lulled into nightmares where I am lost and failing.
But not last night.
Last night I gave her a name.
‘Oh Aggie, shut up’, I said, and the instant I had her name I saw her. Even better - she saw me. There was a pause as we eyed each-other. I had the feeling Aggie had never seen me before, that my giving her a name had broken whatever spell bound us, and released me from a contract I had never signed.
I could see she knew it, too. She had even stopped knitting.
‘What did you say?’ she asked eventually, and I felt like laughing, as for the first time I heard hesitancy in her voice, and it gave me power.
‘Just stop it,’ I said. “None of what you are saying is true.’
She peered at me, beady brown eyes trying to determine if I was serious. Then she raised her needles to continue.
Think about how you stammered that sentence. Really fluffed it didn’t you? They think you are awful...
‘No they don’t’, I said, interrupting her. ‘If they thought I was so bad, why did they congratulate me?’
‘They were lying,’ she said, but I could see she was a bit desperate now. I wasn’t supposed to be talking to her direct. I was supposed to be trying to sleep in anxious dismay.
‘Why would they lie? Don’t be absurd,’ I told her, enjoying her disquiet. ‘My boss thanked me. I even had people queuing to speak to me afterwards and asking me questions. People don’t lie about things like that. If they didn’t like it they would have gone for their lunch and not bothered.’
She glanced around, clearly discomfited.
‘And while we are here, if I cannot write, why would a magazine editor tell me I was a good writer? Why would people I admire who are already authors tell me the same? Why would I be asked to write for other people? Why would I get jobs based on being a good writer?
‘In fact, Aggie,’ I said, pressing my advantage. ‘you’re talking rubbish and always do. Go away. I don’t believe in you anymore.’
To my surprise she went.
I’m not saying she won’t be back. Aunt Aggie forever waits for her chance. But the greatest thing is I now know her name, and because of that I have brought this fear down to something I can control – maybe not all of time, but finally I have discovered her chains are not unbreakable.
Do you have an Aunt Aggie? And if you do try giving it a name – take the power back!
Friday, 16 April 2010
Saturday, 10 April 2010
Maintaining the balance
Thank you for all your wonderful comments on my last post! It was really interesting to read your thoughtful advice about how you balance your creativity with day-to-day living. I’m not one to hoard (apart from Agatha Christie books, chocolate, and random old tat), so this post is all about sharing the wealth! Also please do click through on the names – lovely folk, all of them.
1. KarenG mentioned about keeping a notebook handy when commuting as the people I see, conversations I hear, and descriptions of life around me could all be valuable research in the future. I always used to carry a notebook around with me but this has recently fallen to the wayside thanks to the acquisition of Jaws (my new handbag’s nickname; I swear it is after my skin). But it is time to reinstate the notebook again, as the most important thing it did, regardless of my scribbles, was it made me feel and think like a writer just by carrying it around with me. A positive mindset towards the right direction is invaluable for unpublished writers, and so the notebook will rise again (and Jaws will be left behind to terrify and snag the clothes in my wardrobe).
2. Melissa gave a great piece of advice, which was to stuff your writing in wherever you can! She also suggested trying not to ‘think’ when you are writing, but just let yourself go with the flow as you can think later on when you go back to edit. I have definitely been over-thinking the last two chapters of my novel-to-be, and it has really hindered my writing ability. So I shall try and adopt this process – a bit of free-form, just-get-it-on-the-page, good honest ‘you-go-girl’ writing. Fran also agreed with stuffing the writing in – it is definitely the way forward. I might do a bit a stuffing today in fact!
3. Sarahjayne said that she jots down notes and snippets of dialogue whenever and wherever she can, even if she accumulates scraps of paper. This was something else I used to do – I’d always have bits of the story typed into my phone, scribbled in my work diary, written on the back of my dentist appointment card. I decided to buy a small emerald green notebook to carry around with me and put all my story ideas into instead… and irrationally but instantly developed the fear that I’d lose the notebook to a Plot Nabbing Pilferer. They are out there somewhere! (Hang on; is that the motto of The X-Files?) But pilferers aside, it is a good idea to write down ideas when you get them, small little seeds can grow into big treacherous man eaters. Or roses, of course.
4. Joanne makes a to-do list of manageable goals each week so she can see what is ahead of her and what fits in with her schedule. I love this idea – starting each week with an achievable list for my writing. The key words here are manageable and achievable – I could put on my list that next week I will finish the redrafting, finish researching agents, finish my query and send the whole lot off by the next post, but all that will do is make me feel bad and sad (and no doubt mad) by Friday. I do believe in list power though, and if I keep my goals small then there will be the real joy of success by the end of the week. Thanks for this tip, I am definitely going to adopt it.
5. EmmaK writes in the afternoons when her kids are at school, and says this is perfect for her as she runs out of steam after three hours. Lilly also mentioned she sets aside 8 to 9 as her time to be creative. I think it is so important working out what time best suits your blend of creativity. After I was made redundant (a goodly while ago now) I found that my writing was at its best from 4pm to 2am. Now I work full-time, I try to kick-start that creativity early in the morning, especially at weekends, and it just doesn’t happen as well for me. But what I can learn from this is to do all my weekend chores in the morning, if I can, and then spend the rest of the day and evening writing.
6. Jen is usually raring to go when she gets in from work as her muse is angry she hasn’t had a chance to write all day… don’t suppose there is any chance I could borrow your muse, is there Jen?! Even without the forceful muse I think this shows I could frame my thoughts better. I need to be thinking ‘wow, now I can go home after work and write – how lucky am I!’ as opposed to ‘now I am really tired but I have to go home and write or die’ which is less than optimistic. Needless to say I am very impressed with this attitude already!
7. Roland puts aside fifteen minutes each night to type up any notes made in the day, and then those fifteen minutes often lead into a longer session. This makes me feel really good, as I guess I do put aside fifteen minutes already. It might not be strictly for novel-writing, but any writing I do can only help improve and build on what was before – it’s all practice. I’d love to make writing every day as natural as breathing, part of my daily routine, an imaginative work-out every bit as valuable as physical exercise.
8. Linda mentions a fantastic idea – doing daily pages. This is where you take a notebook and write spontaneously for three pages, and she uses it to tackle any tricky parts in her novel. I love this idea… one of my big problems is that I write straight into Word software, and sometimes I really feel the weight of that novel (currently 412 pages) pressing invisibly down on the little new scene I want to insert. Even if I open a new Word document I can still feel that pressure… but to take it completely away from the computer and just scribble, no matter whether or not it makes it to the novel itself… yes, I think I will enjoy this!
9. VR Barkowski carries a little memo tape recorder around for ideas, making sense of it all when she is finally in front of her computer. Janet also mentioned about something similar. This will be harder for me to do (of course, not everything suits everyone!) as I don’t have any privacy during the day, and feel awfully self-conscious even talking into a mobile via hands free. But I do actually tape myself with dialogue – I sit in the front of the computer and read parts out loud, and then play it back to listen to how it sounds. Sometimes I write an impassioned speech that just doesn’t translate to real humans. Speaking it out loud is another excellent way to edit. Roland also mentions he does a similar thing by speaking parts of his dialogue aloud in the shower for the acoustics - great idea! So now I am off to the bathroom, pages in hand…
10. Lilly mentions listening to inspiring music or audio books on the commute. I love this idea, Lilly! Although I can read books on the way to work, after a day staring at a computer I get eye-strain when trying to read on the bumpy journey coming home. At the moment I listen to music, but I never thought of audio books, and this is perfect for me. Not only do I get to be inspired by other stories, but I get to hear how vocabulary is pronounced, how language can sing, how words can be so visual. Fantastic – cannot wait! The only question is what book to start with…
11. TJ Carson makes an excellent point about taking time for yourself and not trying to push writing when you are really not feeling it. I think there is a lot of truth here – although we are told as writers we must work at it every single day, every single hour – all the time, in fact – there is a horrible guilt feeling that steals over me when I do something else, such as take time out with friends, go stand in the sun, or if I am feeling too tired or sick. No doubt this comes with learning that balance, and sure, there will be deadlines that have to be met, but as a beginner there is no urgency, no rush – just get that story as good as you can, and work when you feel at your peak.
12. Alexandra finds that she usually gets most of her writing done on a Sunday. I tend to swing happily between Saturday and Sunday as my favourite writing day. Saturday the house is quiet, and so I manage to get most of my plotting done, and sort out any big tricky scenes. Sunday the house is busier, but I tend to write like the wind on Sunday evenings – mainly as I have Monday work hanging over my head and know this is my last chance to get as much done as possible. I seem to work better when I hear that clock ticking.
13. Al mentioned a great piece of advice, which was simply to keep plugging away! Talli also mentioned for her it was ‘write or nothing’. I think self-determination is the key to getting things done in life, we all have to keep at it, keep that belief strong in our hearts and one day we will all be on those bookshop shelves. Bring it on!
14. Janet had some great tips – one that worked for her was entering her novel’s synopsis in a competition, as knowing there was a deadline really helped her to plot her novel and get the synopsis ready. I do believe that if you have won or been a finalist on a short story (or other fiction) competition then it is a great thing to mention on your query letter. It lets agents know that you have a track record, that you can actually write fiction! I haven’t entered any competitions, mainly because I feel I have so little time to write that any writing I do must be on The Big One. But the more tips from this list that I adopt, the more I might be able to create room for this as well, as I think working on a different story for a time might help me with the novel.
15. And last but not least, Melissa, Linda and T.J Carson all said about investing in a laptop or net book – something small I can carry about and type into when feel so moved. Oh I do agree… the cumbersome PC is lovely, but it currently is not in a great place for me to work. Roll on payday for this one!
Thank you once again – all appreciated! Any more tips and hints please let me know!
1. KarenG mentioned about keeping a notebook handy when commuting as the people I see, conversations I hear, and descriptions of life around me could all be valuable research in the future. I always used to carry a notebook around with me but this has recently fallen to the wayside thanks to the acquisition of Jaws (my new handbag’s nickname; I swear it is after my skin). But it is time to reinstate the notebook again, as the most important thing it did, regardless of my scribbles, was it made me feel and think like a writer just by carrying it around with me. A positive mindset towards the right direction is invaluable for unpublished writers, and so the notebook will rise again (and Jaws will be left behind to terrify and snag the clothes in my wardrobe).
2. Melissa gave a great piece of advice, which was to stuff your writing in wherever you can! She also suggested trying not to ‘think’ when you are writing, but just let yourself go with the flow as you can think later on when you go back to edit. I have definitely been over-thinking the last two chapters of my novel-to-be, and it has really hindered my writing ability. So I shall try and adopt this process – a bit of free-form, just-get-it-on-the-page, good honest ‘you-go-girl’ writing. Fran also agreed with stuffing the writing in – it is definitely the way forward. I might do a bit a stuffing today in fact!
3. Sarahjayne said that she jots down notes and snippets of dialogue whenever and wherever she can, even if she accumulates scraps of paper. This was something else I used to do – I’d always have bits of the story typed into my phone, scribbled in my work diary, written on the back of my dentist appointment card. I decided to buy a small emerald green notebook to carry around with me and put all my story ideas into instead… and irrationally but instantly developed the fear that I’d lose the notebook to a Plot Nabbing Pilferer. They are out there somewhere! (Hang on; is that the motto of The X-Files?) But pilferers aside, it is a good idea to write down ideas when you get them, small little seeds can grow into big treacherous man eaters. Or roses, of course.
4. Joanne makes a to-do list of manageable goals each week so she can see what is ahead of her and what fits in with her schedule. I love this idea – starting each week with an achievable list for my writing. The key words here are manageable and achievable – I could put on my list that next week I will finish the redrafting, finish researching agents, finish my query and send the whole lot off by the next post, but all that will do is make me feel bad and sad (and no doubt mad) by Friday. I do believe in list power though, and if I keep my goals small then there will be the real joy of success by the end of the week. Thanks for this tip, I am definitely going to adopt it.
5. EmmaK writes in the afternoons when her kids are at school, and says this is perfect for her as she runs out of steam after three hours. Lilly also mentioned she sets aside 8 to 9 as her time to be creative. I think it is so important working out what time best suits your blend of creativity. After I was made redundant (a goodly while ago now) I found that my writing was at its best from 4pm to 2am. Now I work full-time, I try to kick-start that creativity early in the morning, especially at weekends, and it just doesn’t happen as well for me. But what I can learn from this is to do all my weekend chores in the morning, if I can, and then spend the rest of the day and evening writing.
6. Jen is usually raring to go when she gets in from work as her muse is angry she hasn’t had a chance to write all day… don’t suppose there is any chance I could borrow your muse, is there Jen?! Even without the forceful muse I think this shows I could frame my thoughts better. I need to be thinking ‘wow, now I can go home after work and write – how lucky am I!’ as opposed to ‘now I am really tired but I have to go home and write or die’ which is less than optimistic. Needless to say I am very impressed with this attitude already!
7. Roland puts aside fifteen minutes each night to type up any notes made in the day, and then those fifteen minutes often lead into a longer session. This makes me feel really good, as I guess I do put aside fifteen minutes already. It might not be strictly for novel-writing, but any writing I do can only help improve and build on what was before – it’s all practice. I’d love to make writing every day as natural as breathing, part of my daily routine, an imaginative work-out every bit as valuable as physical exercise.
8. Linda mentions a fantastic idea – doing daily pages. This is where you take a notebook and write spontaneously for three pages, and she uses it to tackle any tricky parts in her novel. I love this idea… one of my big problems is that I write straight into Word software, and sometimes I really feel the weight of that novel (currently 412 pages) pressing invisibly down on the little new scene I want to insert. Even if I open a new Word document I can still feel that pressure… but to take it completely away from the computer and just scribble, no matter whether or not it makes it to the novel itself… yes, I think I will enjoy this!
9. VR Barkowski carries a little memo tape recorder around for ideas, making sense of it all when she is finally in front of her computer. Janet also mentioned about something similar. This will be harder for me to do (of course, not everything suits everyone!) as I don’t have any privacy during the day, and feel awfully self-conscious even talking into a mobile via hands free. But I do actually tape myself with dialogue – I sit in the front of the computer and read parts out loud, and then play it back to listen to how it sounds. Sometimes I write an impassioned speech that just doesn’t translate to real humans. Speaking it out loud is another excellent way to edit. Roland also mentions he does a similar thing by speaking parts of his dialogue aloud in the shower for the acoustics - great idea! So now I am off to the bathroom, pages in hand…
10. Lilly mentions listening to inspiring music or audio books on the commute. I love this idea, Lilly! Although I can read books on the way to work, after a day staring at a computer I get eye-strain when trying to read on the bumpy journey coming home. At the moment I listen to music, but I never thought of audio books, and this is perfect for me. Not only do I get to be inspired by other stories, but I get to hear how vocabulary is pronounced, how language can sing, how words can be so visual. Fantastic – cannot wait! The only question is what book to start with…
11. TJ Carson makes an excellent point about taking time for yourself and not trying to push writing when you are really not feeling it. I think there is a lot of truth here – although we are told as writers we must work at it every single day, every single hour – all the time, in fact – there is a horrible guilt feeling that steals over me when I do something else, such as take time out with friends, go stand in the sun, or if I am feeling too tired or sick. No doubt this comes with learning that balance, and sure, there will be deadlines that have to be met, but as a beginner there is no urgency, no rush – just get that story as good as you can, and work when you feel at your peak.
12. Alexandra finds that she usually gets most of her writing done on a Sunday. I tend to swing happily between Saturday and Sunday as my favourite writing day. Saturday the house is quiet, and so I manage to get most of my plotting done, and sort out any big tricky scenes. Sunday the house is busier, but I tend to write like the wind on Sunday evenings – mainly as I have Monday work hanging over my head and know this is my last chance to get as much done as possible. I seem to work better when I hear that clock ticking.
13. Al mentioned a great piece of advice, which was simply to keep plugging away! Talli also mentioned for her it was ‘write or nothing’. I think self-determination is the key to getting things done in life, we all have to keep at it, keep that belief strong in our hearts and one day we will all be on those bookshop shelves. Bring it on!
14. Janet had some great tips – one that worked for her was entering her novel’s synopsis in a competition, as knowing there was a deadline really helped her to plot her novel and get the synopsis ready. I do believe that if you have won or been a finalist on a short story (or other fiction) competition then it is a great thing to mention on your query letter. It lets agents know that you have a track record, that you can actually write fiction! I haven’t entered any competitions, mainly because I feel I have so little time to write that any writing I do must be on The Big One. But the more tips from this list that I adopt, the more I might be able to create room for this as well, as I think working on a different story for a time might help me with the novel.
15. And last but not least, Melissa, Linda and T.J Carson all said about investing in a laptop or net book – something small I can carry about and type into when feel so moved. Oh I do agree… the cumbersome PC is lovely, but it currently is not in a great place for me to work. Roll on payday for this one!
Thank you once again – all appreciated! Any more tips and hints please let me know!
Wednesday, 7 April 2010
Finding a balance
One thing I struggle with is creating enough space to write around working a ‘normal’ full-time job. I worry that everyone else manages this with ease, perhaps with a child upon each knee, and in comparison I am disproportionately stupidly slow. I cannot seem to speed up, and so spend ages berating myself for being useless. The knock-on effect is that by the time I do actually try to write, I feel pretty sad about myself and so cannot think of anything to add to the page apart from ‘durr’.
As you can imagine this does not do me any favours!
At the moment I spend approximately around two and a half hours each day commuting to and from my job. Sadly it is the sort of commute where you don’t get a seat, but squeeze into corners on trains and tubes wishing you were somewhere else. So I cannot use that time to write, although I can use it to think – sometimes the best plot ideas come from times like this!
My job is in a busy office, with colleagues that sit fairly close by. I am very conscientious when working, and my job requires me to be on the ball and puzzling out various solutions. So I cannot sneak any writing into the days, and even blog posts (if long) are created at home and emailed to myself at work to whack online when I get a moment. Even that makes me feel guilt-ridden (it doesn’t take much, I admit).
At home I don’t have anywhere really to write. My computer is in an awkward place (the only spot it can go in) and I have to sit cross-legged on my bed in order to use it. It’s not ideal… but it is workable. The only thing that isn’t is me! I get in from work each evening, eat, fold myself into the spot in front of the computer, but no real writing happens! A few words, a few paragraphs… I know it is still all helping but it doesn’t seem to be that fast a creation. I also need my sleep… I get up early, so need to start snoozing at least by eleven, or else I am a cranky girl.
So there’s my big conundrum – am I really just going very slowly with writing/redrafting, or am I expecting too much of myself?
I think it is all about finding a balance, and I seem to be permanently teetering on one side or the other. Maybe I need to be more organised – leave the house earlier so I get to work and have time to write down the ideas / blog / catch up before work starts? And then only do that in the morning, so the evenings are just for writing. That sounds good… but is it realistic? In a way I suppose it is… set the alarm earlier, start the day earlier… there is really nothing stopping me apart from my reluctance to stir from bed!
How do you do it? Do you write full-time, or do you also fit writing (or being creative) in around a busy job or being a busy mum? If so how do you find a balance and make time for it?
And a big hello to all people following, and leaving comments. I appreciate it so much, thank you!
As you can imagine this does not do me any favours!
At the moment I spend approximately around two and a half hours each day commuting to and from my job. Sadly it is the sort of commute where you don’t get a seat, but squeeze into corners on trains and tubes wishing you were somewhere else. So I cannot use that time to write, although I can use it to think – sometimes the best plot ideas come from times like this!
My job is in a busy office, with colleagues that sit fairly close by. I am very conscientious when working, and my job requires me to be on the ball and puzzling out various solutions. So I cannot sneak any writing into the days, and even blog posts (if long) are created at home and emailed to myself at work to whack online when I get a moment. Even that makes me feel guilt-ridden (it doesn’t take much, I admit).
At home I don’t have anywhere really to write. My computer is in an awkward place (the only spot it can go in) and I have to sit cross-legged on my bed in order to use it. It’s not ideal… but it is workable. The only thing that isn’t is me! I get in from work each evening, eat, fold myself into the spot in front of the computer, but no real writing happens! A few words, a few paragraphs… I know it is still all helping but it doesn’t seem to be that fast a creation. I also need my sleep… I get up early, so need to start snoozing at least by eleven, or else I am a cranky girl.
So there’s my big conundrum – am I really just going very slowly with writing/redrafting, or am I expecting too much of myself?
I think it is all about finding a balance, and I seem to be permanently teetering on one side or the other. Maybe I need to be more organised – leave the house earlier so I get to work and have time to write down the ideas / blog / catch up before work starts? And then only do that in the morning, so the evenings are just for writing. That sounds good… but is it realistic? In a way I suppose it is… set the alarm earlier, start the day earlier… there is really nothing stopping me apart from my reluctance to stir from bed!
How do you do it? Do you write full-time, or do you also fit writing (or being creative) in around a busy job or being a busy mum? If so how do you find a balance and make time for it?
And a big hello to all people following, and leaving comments. I appreciate it so much, thank you!
Tuesday, 6 April 2010
Easter Weekend: A Photo Story
Credits
Laptop: Virgin Trains
Hiking boots from Timetravel Britain
Cupcake photograph by ConsumedbyCake
Tea from Yorkshire Tea
Wine bottles and Motorway by FreeFoto.com
Scenery by BBC Radio Lancashire
Balloons by ShimmeeGrrl
Zzz's and Agatha Christie book by Me
Fry up from bobby stokes
Bar from the Coach House
If I have used your photograph in error please let me know and I will gladly remove it.
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