V is for…Vermicious Knids

You’ve got to hand it to Roald Dahl. (And what is the ‘it’ that we hand over in that sentence? A drink, a medal, a dirty sock? Let’s go with medal.) Only Roald Dahl, that wonderful wordsmith, could come up with baddies called Vermicious Knids, and make them sound somewhat like a giant, horribly 'aware', poo:

‘It looked like an enormous egg balanced on its pointed end. It was as tall as a big boy and wider than the fattest man. The greenish-brown skin had a shiny wettish appearance and there were wrinkles in it…

…The eyes were everything. There were no other features, no nose or mouth or ears, but the entire egg-shaped body was itself moving very very slightly, pulsing and bulging gently here and there as though the skin were filled with some thick fluid.’

Nice. Way to go, Mr Dahl. I’ve just been put off my chocolate mini roll. Bleegh.

The Vermicious Knids (pronounced K’nids) are some of the horrors facing Charlie and his friends travelling in the Great Glass Elevator. This is the sequel to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and as a child I enjoyed it more – probably due to the horrible sounding Knids – although there is much strange silliness going on throughout the story. It also was a lot darker a tale. The idea of Minusland, where people drifted around in ghostly mist waiting to be born (made into a plus), was frankly terrifying.

We’re not quite told how Vermicious Knids kill their victims. Willy Wonka gives us a lot of hyperbole about what they can do (rasp people into a thousand tiny bits! Grate you like cheese! Stretch out its neck and bite off your head!) but Grandma Georgina correctly questions how it can bite anything, since all it has are eyes.

However I knew. I knew exactly what Vermicious Knids would do. They’d squoosh you to death! They’d sit, squash and suffocate you in seconds! (It appears his hyperbole is catching.) Although it is thoughtful of them to spell out the word ‘scram’ first.


Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator
Published: 1973
Author: Roald Dahl
Illustrator: Faith Jacques
Editor: Kaye Webb

Vermicious fact one: Although I loved Dr Seuss books, I found his world quite scary too, especially those manic oh-so-intent swished little creatures.

Vermicious fact two: The scariest book I owned was one about true life ghost stories. I have no idea where I got it from; I think I picked it up in a jumble sale when I was 13. Oh My. I gave it to a friend on the pretext that she’d like it, and then kept ‘forgetting’ to take it home with me.

Vermicious fact three: Not as scary, but still pretty damn close, were the Armada Ghost books. Yikes! These were spooky little short story anthologies designed to give children sleepless nights.

Vermicious fact four: I wasn’t that keen on ‘The Groke’ from the Moomin books.

Vermicious fact five: I always ended up being eaten by a Minotaur in ‘choose your own adventure’ books.

J is for… James and the Giant Peach

Poor James. A rhino kills his mum and dad and he is sent to live with his repulsive aunts at the top of a lonely hill. Just when life can’t get any worse, a dropped packet of magical crocodile tongues make the tree in the garden spout a gigantic peach, which is where the fun begins.

There is something so delightfully wicked about Roald Dahl’s books. We rejoice when the baddies come to a sticky end – what could be stickier than being squashed to death by a giant peach? Be gone repulsive aunts! Not everyone feels the same though – the book is number 56 on the ‘100 Most Frequently Challenged Books: 1990–2000’ according to the American Library Association. I find it hard to believe people seriously object to this book – enough for it to make a list. I guess Grimm Fairy Tales would probably be off the menu for those folks.

The only objection I have to the book is that I always thought the giant peach looked like a giant bottom. See what I mean?

James and the Giant Peach
Published: 1961
Author: Roald Dahl
Illustrator: Nancy Ekholm Burkert

Fruity fact one: I love blackberry picking in autumn.
Fruity fact two: Banana milkshake rocks my socks.
Fruity fact three: I once scrumped apples. They were wormy and horrible.
Fruity fact four: Segments of orange go lovely with smoked salmon fillets.
Fruity fact five: Strawberries and grapes are nice in salads.

C is for... Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Charlie Bucket dreams of a chocolate bar that he doesn’t have to share with his elderly relatives. When growing up I thought the same about the green chocolate triangles in a box of Quality Street, so I feel his pain here. Luckily he wins a golden ticket to visit Willy Wonka’s Chocolate factory, along with four other children, and here is where the fun begins.

Willy Wonka is bonkers. A nice bloke, but bonkers all the same. He has devised a test of chocolate-resisting morality to find out which child will inherit his factory. Ye Gods, that’s just fiendish. I like to think my morals are good but when it comes down to morals or chocolate, let’s face it – would I steal a squirrel?

It’s a tough call. However, I don’t like nutty chocolate and I wouldn’t risk the prize for chewing gum, nor would I care to be sent through the air to appear on TV. But the chocolate river in a room full of chocolate and spun sugar flowers? I fear my name might be Jayne Gloop.

The manic energy of Roald Dahl’s writing, and the pleasure he takes in detailing the fate of greedy and selfish children, leaks through to the reader. I like the way he draws attention to the bad behaviour of the parents as well - even as a child you can see that the fate of being turned into a giant blueberry doesn’t just spring from nowhere. But it's the chocolate factory itself, with its secrets, hundreds of rooms, and bedazzling recipes, which is the real star – in a way Charlie, nice and inoffensive as he is, is incidental.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Published: 1964
Author: Roald Dahl
Illustrator: Joseph Schindelman / Quentin Blake

Chocolate fact one: Cadbury’s Twirl bars rock my socks.
Chocolate fact two: Adding fruit or nuts to chocolate is just wrong on all levels
Chocolate fact three: I still go to the corner shop just to buy chocolate.
Chocolate fact four: I don’t like white chocolate – it has to be milk, or plain at a push.
Chocolate fact five: In chocolate selling shops you will generally find me hovering beside the assistant offering free samples.

Three A-Z Highlights for 'C'
The Words Crafter over at The Rainy Day Wanderer blog shares her love of castles
Paula Martin tells us about the importance of critique partners
Margo Kelly chats about a very important 'c' word - chocolate!

Book reviews: Anita Brookner and Roald Dahl

Am in midst of Christmas bustle, so, like Santa’s reindeer, I’m dashing in with the next two reviews:

Latecomers, by Anita Brookner
Switch Bitch, by Roald Dahl


Latecomers, by Anita Brookner
First published by Jonathan Cape, 1988
This edition published by Grafton Books (a division of Collins Publishing Group) 1989

Elegant prose tells the story of two men who, as young boys during the Second World War, were thrust away from their previous lives into a new country. Both now in their sixties, they have very different attitudes to life - one always looking ahead and the other afraid to stop searching the past. They, and their families, are the latecomers – all of them late to life in some way, be it security or happiness.

There is no real drama in this book. It is a quiet tale told with loving dignity, with thoughtful character studies and a heightened awareness to surroundings and mood. Although at first I was waiting for something to happen, very soon I just enjoyed the calm pace, luxuriated in the rich descriptions and wallowed in the words. The depth of understanding in this book is immense, especially as I recognise some of these traits within myself. It is very easy to identify with the characters, and to wish them well as they pass out of our lives when we close the book. From one latecomer to another, you could say.


Switch Bitch, by Roald Dahl
Stories originally published in Playboy magazine, no date although copyright date is 1965
This edition published by Penguin Books, 1976

Roald Dahl’s children’s fiction is a bit dark and twisted in places (and didn’t we just love it!) so it’s no surprise to find his stories for adults play out in much the same way, although you wouldn’t want a child searching for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory to stumble across Switch Bitch. The clue is that these tales were written for the one-handed audience of Playboy, although they are not exactly sexy (or even vaguely attractive). Rather they deal with moral questions regarding sex –and in nearly all of them the joke is on the person who thinks they are in control.

There are four stories in this little collection – The Visitor, The Great Switcheroo, The Last Act, and Bitch. Although they are well-written tales, there seems to be a streak of misogyny through them as the attitudes to women seem rather callous. However, considering he was writing for a specific audience (the 1960s Playboy audience) maybe this isn’t too surprising. Not my favourite collection of his, but worth seeking out all the same.