Thought Process of Elderly Hot-Pant Wearer as Seen during Lunch

I wonder what to wear to collect my pension?
Bit chilly out there.
Let me just rootle in my wardrobe – ah, what’s this?
My purple satin hot-pants!
Not seen these for a while.
I wonder...
(squeezes)
Perhaps if I...
(squooshes)
Now try to...
(strains)
There. I’m in!
What’s that hanging out?
Oh. It’s my butt.
And what’s that hanging over?
Breathe in, Doris!
Sod it. Never mind.
Hey, I look good!

o0o

I would love to have even half of the confidence these eccentric souls possess. Apart from being bonkers, what makes them wear such odd things and actually step out of the house? Do they have a magic mirror? If so I’d love to peer in it over their shoulder and see what they see.

Incidentally, I have to stop my lunchtime fascination with health food shops. I keep thinking I will find the answer to Slim Legs and Flat Tum lurking inside, but I negate the healthy qualities of whatever I buy by guzzling the entire packet in one go. I also have to stop eyeing up herbal teas. They all have delicate pictures of leaves and nature on the front, and taste like Green Mud, or Gravel and Peppermint. I now have four packets on my desk, and am not sure about any of them!