Wednesday, 25 November 2009

Dusty blog

Sometimes it is hard to post anything of interest. I am still in the doldrums really, and have managed no writing at all recently, so I am beginning to feel a rather dull person indeed. I also started the counselling thing… and while I can see it has potential, and is the way forward, it also seems to leave me feeling a bit low and cross about everything. But the first session felt like a heavy weight had unshackled itself for a few hours, so I have to hold onto that feeling, and know that the lightness will come back. I think the miserable part has to be got through in order to come out the other side smiling or something equally mushy. So I shall just carry on being low and cross. Gosh I sound delightful company!

I rather wish there was an injection you could take (not heroin, obviously) that would sort it all out for you. Maybe something free on the NHS. It would be much easier than killing tissues while talking to someone. Much less painful, and it could even come with a free chocolate bar for afterwards, and perhaps a badge – ‘I’m Not Sad!’ - with a slider so you can change sad for ‘mad!’ or ‘bad!’ depending on your problem.

I tried to give myself a stirring pep talk the other day. I told myself that there was no point moping around and that things will get better and I should just knuckle down to writing and get on with it. I did this in a series of Stern Thoughts as I crossed underneath London on a busy tube train. I no doubt looked rather cheesed off, although that could be my habitual expression while commuting, of course.

I am reading ‘Testament of Youth’ by Vera Brittain at the moment. My counsellor leant it to me (why? What does that mean? Does it mean anything?!), and it works well as a distraction, although I find myself at times wanting to step through the pages and give some of those people the benefit of my Stern Thoughts as well. But it is interesting to see that teenagers and young people of 1913 were really no different to teenagers and young people today, in that they all at some time write god-awful poetry.

There may be more on ‘Testament of Youth’ when I finish it (661 pages! Didn’t she have an editor?) as I haven’t read an awful lot on the First World War, but it seems that most of the officers were impressionable dramatic young boys that hadn’t a clue what they were about to be launched into, and it makes me… um… cross. Perhaps I need to read something like ‘Calvin and Hobbes’ instead!

So… my last blog entry looks rather jaunty compared to this! I still haven’t written the vague chapter plan, or found the children’s book. I fear The Stuff Under The Bed may have eaten it. But all this will happen; it’s on the plan of things to do, as soon as I muster some energy for it. I shall try another stirring pep-talk (eek!) and see what I get done this weekend.

10 comments:

musicobsessive said...

Have you been reading my thoughts? I have been ruminating about writing a post today entitled, My Song. I've been trying to think which one belongs to me and I came up with 'I'm Only Happy When it Rains' by Garbage.

As a confirmed melancholic dreamer myself (Pisces or what?) I empathise entirely with Shirley Manson's sentiments - she being no stranger to a bit of depression herself. But the thing is, whilst the lyrics are horribly true, they always end up making me smile and feeling so much better ('I'm riding high on a deep depression'!).

Perhaps you ought to give it a try?

Rose said...

Actually I'm with music obsessive- some angry rock music helps. it's not a cure but it helps. I don't see a counsellor at the moment but a close family member does and always says, and it is quite right- that there is too much hush about that whole side of medicine and it makes no sense. I hope it helps you very much.

Maggie May said...

sometimes it's just so refreshing to read someone else's loose bits and stop thinking of your own!

Eliza said...

I know how you feel about the lack of energy. Apart from depression, I think this time of year can be awful, I'd like to hibernate till Febuary lol. I haven't blogged for what seems like weeks, I just can't muster the ethusiasm, looking around others blogs I don't seem to be alone! Hope you feel better soon.

Perplexio said...

WWI was such a tragic and imho needless war. At least with WWII the allied forces ended the imperialistic tendencies (not to mention subsequent human rights violations and genocide) of Germany and Japan. What was gained from WWI? It ended the Russian and German monarchies for better or for worse... but what else? The loss of life was staggering and had never been seen before nor since (and hopefully that level of loss will never be seen again).

As for the stern words. I wrote myself a pep talk once back in 2001 or so. I keep it around to read whenever I get a bit down on myself or writing. Maybe you should work your stern words into an inspring angry rant that could spur you into action whenever you read it.

Jayne said...

Hi MusicObsessive! I did like your post about 'your song', and the reasons why you chose it. It made me smile as I have been thinking along similar lines recently (which songs are really me?!), and I may just post about it today at some point. I loved 'Stupid Girl' by Garbage by the way. Shirley Manson rocks.

Jayne said...

Hi Maggie May. True... love that description 'someone else's loose bits'. :)

Jayne said...

Hi Eliza. This time of year seems to bring home everything that is wrong or not quite right with life, for some reason. It does seem like there are a lot of folk in the same boat though, and that does make me feel better! I hope you get the enthusiasm for blogging back soon, and thank you!

Jayne said...

Thanks Rose. I hope it helps too... got another session tonight, end up dreading it more than anything, but keep thinking it must be doing good somewhere deep inside, maybe, so I'll trot over there after work. And angry rock music definitely helps... I have Metallica on my ipod for such occasions (and Disturbed - which seems an appropriate band name to choose at the moment!)

Jayne said...

Hello and welcome Perplexio! Your comment has just reminded me to carry on reading that book, I seem to have subconsciously exchanged it for easier-to-read Agatha Christie (Hercule Poirot's Christmas).

I am impressed you kept your written pep-talk from 2001 and still refer to it from time to time - it must have been very inspiring! I often write pep-talks, they litter diaries and hide in corners. I probably should try and collate them into one giant rant, but I am not sure if I would just cower in a corner under the weight of it!