Monday, 25 January 2010

Boo to Boots

The one thing I hate with a passion is shopping for boots. This is due to my somewhat ‘curvy’ calves, a description far kinder than what I usually call them - ‘sumo calves’. Now if I had aspirations of being a sumo wrestler then sumo calves would be a perfect accessory, but since the rest of me is rather petite, then all it seems I have aspirations of is being a weeble. Still, at least I won’t fall down when I wobble, eh?

So boot shopping is always fraught with disaster. I gaze longingly at the belted and zipped varieties, those leather beauties with ‘no give’, shapely and tall specimens for coltish lucky females. I linger, imagination fitting me with slim calves, prancing around in my lovely boots. Perhaps I’d even wear long stripy socks with my boots, and the horizontal bands wouldn’t look like my legs were in wide-screen only. And then I’d sigh, dreams dismantled, and head over to the large pull-on Welly’s.

Every so often, usually once a year, I forget I have curvy calves. I get fooled and seduced by new-season boots, and tempted into trying one on. There is always a moment of hope, which usually lasts until I try to make the zips marry and realise there is a vast desert of leg between each side. With luck this won’t be when I have slim calved ladies each side of me, but if I do then I just give a knowing chuckle and wry shake of the head, as if to say ‘who put that giant leg there?’ and then slink away.

The worst is if you ask shop assistants to help you. I mention the need for a wide-fitting boot, and they always disbelieve me, and show me some skinny laced leather thing. ‘No’, I will say, ‘show me your nicest elephant leg boots please’. They only ever listen once I have demonstrated the calf in all its glory.

This happened once in Top Shop. The assistant looked me up and down, ignored my plea for an elephant-leg and handed me a stylish leather boot instead, telling me that it would definitely fit. So resolutely I tried it on, and the zip didn’t go up beyond my ankle. ‘You do have large legs, don’t you?’ she said in surprise. Mmm, thanks for that.

So is it any wonder that I always buy the first boots that fit? No lingering, debating, or shopping around for me when it comes to buying boots. If a pair fits then I am at the till quicker than you can say ‘stretchy’. So today I am the proud owner of a new pair of boots, bought at lunch-time. I have absolutely no idea whether they are stylish or even suit me. They fit, and that is the only criteria I ask for – hooray! Unleash the dresses and skirts!

11 comments:

KarenG said...

Omigosh, this was so funny! I completely identify!

Fran Hill @ Being Miss said...

Me too, me too. This is why I'm very very grateful that these days, in shoe shops, assistants tend to leave you alone to try the boots on yourself, then they don't have to be the ones to get the zip half way up your leg and then try to stuff the rest of the flesh in before zipping up quickly before it escapes. I prefer to do that for myself, thanks.

Kit Courteney said...

Ditto... to all of it, alas.

The Boyfriend Shopper said...

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Feel free to check out mine!

http://theboyfriendshopper.blogspot.com/

Jayne said...

Hi KarenG - very glad you liked it, and that I'm not alone!

=-=

Hi Fran Hill. Before it escapes... Oh that did make me giggle. I would hate an assistant try to stuff my leg into a boot! Bad enough for them to stand within hovering distance.

=-=

Et tu Kit? I feel a lot better now I know it's not just me.

=-=

Hello The Boyfriend Shopper, and thank you! Will do. :)

Rose said...

I commented and it doesn't seem to have worked! Boo.

Anyway yes I also have real boot issues- and I don't get it my legs aren't THAT large. Anyway I asked where you got yours?

Jayne said...

Oh boo indeed! Nothing showed up on the comment moderation thingy, but I know how annoying it is when that happens.

My boots (and I am happily wearing them now in fact!) were from Faith. And how is this for a double bonus? They fit... and they were on sale! £90 down to £40. I was so happy! They are tan suede with a small heel, and very comfy. Ideally I would love something darker brown, but I am hugging these nice boots at the moment!

Rose said...

Wow Faith a real high street shop that I can go to- excellent tip (notice how again I am filled with optimism that boots will fit there- suspect they will not but I will try next time I am there!)

Jayne said...

If the boots fit me with my sumo calves, then I am sure they are good for all ladies with a curvy calf! Must admit the ones with zips didn't fit though... :(

Ev said...

Ecco - only Ecco - they understand calves

Jayne said...

Hi Ev - thank you for that tip! I need a place that understands calves. :)