Monday, 22 July 2013

A bookmark

I feel silenced every time I think of this blog. There are so many things I want to say that my fingers get stuck with the enormity of it all and I can’t form the words. I don’t feel very witty anymore; I worry that the folk who came here to be entertained may yawn instead and this time there's no rabbit waiting in the hat to pull out as a surprise.

I need to make some changes with my life and as of yet can’t find the gumption to do it. (Who stocks gumption? I need to order some pronto.) I have to take control of the wheel, but instead I laze backwards and let the ship steer where it may, into that choppy sea, onto those rocks, adrift under the sun. I’m still chipping away at my story, still excited by what I’m writing, but I feel a constant underlying weariness to my days, which is probably to do with lack of decision-making. And yet there are so many things I am plotting behind the scenes – create a website, do this, sell that, make this, write that – maybe thinking of these things at once has caused me to press all the keys on a mental typewriter and create a jam.

The other stumbling block is the rise of Hugely Busy with the 9-5 job and the enormous length of time I spend squashed into random smelly armpits while commuting on the tube. I’ve had my job for four years now and completely notice the difference in outside work creativity – when I started I had a lot more evening energy to write, draw, and blog. Now my best writing time is always at the weekend, and the longer I spend there, finding those words, the less I can devote to words here. I tweet as that’s easy, but blogging is more of a commitment, for me, anyway.

So think of this blog as my online bookmark. It's closed for now but will open again one day soon, and I’ll find my place again.
J x


Dewena said...

Gumption is probably not what you need, just time to think, and that's not easy to find. Last week I was bewailing decisions, changes, and thought: "If only I had a book to read that would tell me step by step what to do--1) to 1million)--I could do it, I know I could.

Bookmark noted. First things first and when work has to come first, then writing has to come second. Don't forget about life, somewhere there in the mix!

Old Kitty said...

Awwww lovely Jayne!!! Well this post's got plenty of gumption and wit and then some!! And I'm thoroughly happy to have read your words too!! It's always a pleasure coming here!

I hope you find space to breathe and rejuvenate! See you soon!

Take care

Lindsay said...

Good to see you back again as it were. I sympathize. I co-founded a writing group to keep me writing. While I'm thrilled it has been a huge success, expanding into workshops and now a lit fest, it grows and grows needing ever more administration and planning. Plus, like you, the day job! Guess what- writing time is harder to find!

But keep going we will. I find blogs and tweets do act as a wonderful support in wobbly times!

music obsessive said...

Wow! Psychic or what?? After all this time, I was just wondering whether you would reappear when ping! A new post pops up.
Don't worry, we'll always be here.

Elizabeth Varadan, Author said...

Whenever you find time to blog, I'll look forward to reading your posts. Meanwhile, hats off to you that you put your story writing first.

Debbie Coope said...

Will look forward to some updates in the future. Missing your posts already.

Laura S. said...

Wishing you well, Jayne! Good for you for putting your writing first. We'll be here whenever you pop in to say hello! Good luck and have fun with your writing. :)

Happy reading and writing! from Laura Marcella @ Wavy Lines

Anonymous said...

Hang in there,your love for writing will prevail. Think of this as a growth spurt, something will happen to spark your energy, mind, body, and soul. Keep blogging my dear.

Unknown said...

If you get a line on that gumption source, I'd be grateful if you'd share it. Meanwhile, lighten up and enjoy life and your connections to others because that is what truly matters. Cheers!

Rose said...

Gumption is such a good word. Lots of people were blocked this Summer I think, not sure why- hopefully Autumn will work it's magic