I am feeling quite sad about my writing at the moment. It doesn’t feel like I am making time for it, the little I do feels shoddy, and I feel dispirited with how long it is taking me to move ahead and the lack of good progress. I still open the Word document every day, but spend more time staring and sighing than I do actually writing. It needs a big dose of positivity and I don’t feel positive about myself at the moment, let alone for ‘creating magic’ with writing.
I am also thinking of joining the Society of Authors (I think I still just about scrape the criteria) in order to think of myself as someone who writes… For some reason I need justification. I am a bit strange like that. I’d so much rather be a person who writes on a strip of notepaper ‘I am a Writer!’ and sticks it up by their computer, nods head in satisfaction, and gets on with it. For some reason I prefer to pay £90 for an official letter that says I belong. I iz stupid really.
But to be honest I think the person that sticks up ‘I Am A Writer!’ has the best idea. It is the mindset, the belief in yourself, - this is what makes the difference, not an official bit of paper. It falls back to being positive again, of knowing you are on the right track. My track has too many stations that waggle wine glasses and diversions. I think I need to be more single-minded.
I need to be happier with myself as well, I need to find a balance. I don’t like my looks, my hair, my figure, my personality, my clothes, my shoes. I don’t like my frown lines. I fear I am very boring, actually. I feel like a pale little mouse that hides around the edges of life. So when I feel like that it is hard to whoosh in magic!
Although there are plans afoot… it normally takes me a while of feeling like the above before I acknowledge it and decide to do something about it. I have taken a deep breath and booked some time with a counsellor in order to get rid of some of this negativity. The last time I tried this was seven years ago when I was referred by my doctor to a place that had iron bars on the window, and double-locking doors. It looked like the sort of place where the wrong word could get you sectioned – (Tea? We only drink coffee in here! Get the straight-jacket!)
I was in and out in less than five minutes, having swiftly decided that I didn’t have a problem. There were people sitting and dribbling while they were waiting for an appointment – now these are the folk who need help. If you are sitting with a chain of dribble connecting your mouth and your coat and don’t appear to notice, then that is a whole different ballgame from feeling a bit pathetic and miserable every now and again.
Yes, you may have gathered I do suffer a bit from depression – although this is tempered with the other part of me that thinks I should just get on with it and stop bloody whinging. I am as harsh as hell with myself, nicer to others I hope! I also have a whole seven days off work just so I can write, and in that time I will ask a hairdresser to kindly do something with that stuff that lives on my head. So you see – negative and positive together, totally ambiguous. It’s as if I can see a coin flipping in the sky and one side is negative and one side is positive, and my mood swings with every slow-motion turn of the coin.
So say this with me - I Am A Writer! I Will Achieve What I Want To Achieve! Let's land that coin positive side up.