Tuesday, 4 May 2010

Thought Process of Elderly Hot-Pant Wearer as Seen during Lunch

I wonder what to wear to collect my pension?
Bit chilly out there.
Let me just rootle in my wardrobe – ah, what’s this?
My purple satin hot-pants!
Not seen these for a while.
I wonder...
(squeezes)
Perhaps if I...
(squooshes)
Now try to...
(strains)
There. I’m in!
What’s that hanging out?
Oh. It’s my butt.
And what’s that hanging over?
Breathe in, Doris!
Sod it. Never mind.
Hey, I look good!

o0o

I would love to have even half of the confidence these eccentric souls possess. Apart from being bonkers, what makes them wear such odd things and actually step out of the house? Do they have a magic mirror? If so I’d love to peer in it over their shoulder and see what they see.

Incidentally, I have to stop my lunchtime fascination with health food shops. I keep thinking I will find the answer to Slim Legs and Flat Tum lurking inside, but I negate the healthy qualities of whatever I buy by guzzling the entire packet in one go. I also have to stop eyeing up herbal teas. They all have delicate pictures of leaves and nature on the front, and taste like Green Mud, or Gravel and Peppermint. I now have four packets on my desk, and am not sure about any of them!

31 comments:

Crystal Cook said...

ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Oh that is the best. What would possess someone to wear that? Anyone, let alone if you have to squoosh into them :)

Great Jane. Love it! Good luck with the tea btw.

Ange said...

Someone told me this weekend that herbal tea was all basically grass anyway... There was a selection of about 15 different types (with very enticing appelations too) according to the packet. I decided to sniff all of them to verify the truthfullness of this statement. As it turned out - they did all smell practically the same, a bit grassy. I must've had too much wine ;-)

Wendy Ramer said...

Thanks for making me smile.

Piedmont Writer said...

As to the purple hot pants, well, she must have had those in the 70's and you know how fashion comes back. Maybe she thought she was being 'mod'.

As to herbal teas, I stick with Earl Grey. It doesn't smell like grass.

Aubrie said...

What? No picture for us!

Herbal teas can be tricky. I like blueberry and blackberry. The mint ones do taste bitter if you leave the bag in for too long.

I'm trying to do sit ups for my tummy, but I hate them so much. Ug!

Talli Roland said...

This is hilarious, Jayne! I often wonder the throught process behind some of the more outrageous outfits I see from my window. Now I know!

Kittie Howard said...

Thanks, Jayne, for stopping by and Following. I especially enjoyed your post today because I'm 'slimming' -- oh, why did I eat those cookies that are now hanging around my middle -- and am presently dying of hunger (nevermind that I had a healthy breakfast and lunch) in hopes of wearing last year's shorts. As for designer teas, groan, the fancier the price, the worst the taste.

KarenG said...

LOL a million times over. And to answer your question of why? They're not wearing their glasses, and don't we all look so much better in that soft focus that comes from bad eyesight and a lost pair of glasses.

Joanne said...

I usually stick to an occasional cup of plain green tea. With coffee and tea, I never cared for the different "flavors" but more the natural taste.

Julie Dao said...

HAHAHAH!! This made me laugh so much. Thank you for brightening my day, Jayne :) I am not a tea fan (I know, shocking!) but I am steadily growing to appreciate its virtues. I've been told that I just haven't tasted truly GOOD tea yet, so I'm waiting to be educated :)

Fran said...

Herbal teas? Pff. Stay fat.

Milton said...

Hi Jayne, thanks for finding me...and maybe rescuing me? Yours, in anticipation, The Milt x

Old Kitty said...

Hi

Purple satin hot pants?!?! In this weather?!?! Are you insane?!?!

Get the thermals out and bring on the woolly scarves and gloves and matching handbag..!!

I've just had ginger tea.

LOL!

I am now having a hot chocolate with a shot of drambuie.

Very slimming..!

:-)

Take care
x

Nf1andprek-whisper said...

very good, made me smile I am your newest follower, I love people who can make me laugh or smile just by their written word.

Lydia Kang said...

I hope those PHP made her happy. And I hope it didn't make you lose your lunch!

Jen said...

This made me laugh and I think I'll continue to smile!!! Thank you!

arlee bird said...

Oh, that was funny, but in a way not so much. I guess it's not just a U.S. phenomenon. I am amazed by the way some people appear in public. It must be some sort of world wide delusion of our generation or tastes have just changed and mine didn't keep up with the bizarre trend. Have you seen the People Of Walmart websites--there are some amazing pictures of people of dubious taste.

Now excuse me while I go downstairs and clean out my cupboards of all of the outdated vitamins and nutritional supplements that have probably gone bad by now because I forgot to use them.

Lee
Blogging From A to Z April Challenge

Carol Kilgore said...

I've seen that woman!
Great post.

Plain Jane said...

I must say this was the best! Great visual. I actually have some herb tea that tastes like fire, but the good kind of fire that reminds me of Christmas. I gave up on all other flavors one I found that one.
(I tagged you on my blog.)

Elana Johnson said...

LOL! I so need some pants like that, stat. :)

Happy Frog and I said...

Really great imagery, made me smile just thinking about it. I'd like to think I would be pretty sophisticated by the time I get to draw my pension but who knows? Maybe you just get to a point where you just don't give a monkeys what anyone else thinks!

I hate herbal teas, they promise so much and deliver so little! :-)

Jemi Fraser said...

Yikes! You're so right - it would be so interesting to see what they see - cause it's definitely not what we see!

Susan Fields said...

The tea would taste good with a few spoonfuls of sugar in it. :)

Al said...

I applaud people who have the moral courage to wear what they like, not what they think looks OK.
I just wish I was that brave :)

Rose said...

Very good!

With the herbal teas it took me a long time to learn to love the pond waters but you do get there.

if you can't do peppermint, which really works on a bad tummy but admittedly is like a dark, stagnant pond- then try fresh mint in hot water- very moroccan and yummy- though more spendy

don't ever try the nettle teas- am a seasoned drinker of all kinds of infusions and I think nettle is evil- though admittedly very good for you

Alexandra Crocodile said...

I sympathise - I end up buying Himalayan salt and Peruvian sugar - only to discover that it costs as much as a month's rent.

I have to confess that I have worn hot pants - but I was 11. And they were black. But I did wear them with a halter-neck top. It was very Spice girls-ish:)

Ev said...

What a great post Jayne! It made me smile and reminded me of a pair of home-made baby blue hot-pants I wore when I was twelve. I'll never forget them mainly because Paul Hewson ( aka Bono) called me 'fat-arse' when I walked up the road in all my glory. Me Da went out and chased him around the green! That's my claim to fame anyway, must blog on it.

Jayne said...

Crystal – glad it made you giggle! Am still struggling with the tea.

Ange – Hahaha! Oh that explains it. Herbal teas, you are so busted!

Wendy – no problem!

Anne – I sort of think she was more ‘past caring’ than mod!

Aubrie – Too scared to get a pic! Good luck with those sit ups.

Talli – Glad you liked!

Kittie – I sympathise. I am truly the worst dieter. I take on the Look of Despair if I try.

KarenG – Ah... true! Without glasses the world is a softer place.

Joanne – Plain green? Impressive! Although green tea and jasmine is getting a tentative thumbs up.

Julie – Hee! Glad it made you chuckle. My favourite tea is the colour of beige with two sugars. I will never be skinny.

Fran – I fear my tummy is listening to you.

Jayne said...

Milton – no worries! Will I rescue you though, or lead you into purple hot pant madness? Only time will tell.

Old Kitty – She was definitely missing a few marbles. Hot choc and drambuie? Now I am thinking of a nice Irish coffee. Also very slimming!

Nf1andprek-whisper – Ah thank you! You are very welcome. I do usually try and reply quicker than this!

Lydia – She seemed quite happy. Everyone around her seemed a bit shocked!

Jen – cool! My work here is done. :)

Arlee Bird – I lost an hour to the People of Walmart website. A whole hour! Thanks for that. :)

Carol – oh my – she’s everywhere!

Plain Jane - ah thanks! Herb tea like fire? I am thinking spicy cinnamon for some reason. And thanks for the tag – you’ve seen my post now I think. :)

Elana – I certainly need some ‘front’ like that!

Happy Frog – cool! I like to think I will be sophisticated too, with a touch of the ‘when I am an old woman I shall wear purple’ going on. Actually maybe that was what that woman was thinking. Oh no – it could be me!

Jemi – I think they just think they are fabulous!

Susan – hahahaha! No, I must abstain from sugar! Especially with all the sugary stuff I eat.

Al – I totally wish I was that brave.

Rose – Glad you liked! I actually do like peppermint – the Moroccan way though is gorgeous (especially with sugar). I don’t think I could possibly do the nettles – green tea is bad enough (yet so good for you, apparently)

Alex – hee! Spice Girls! You youngster. :)

Ev – oh that is so funny! You must blog about it!

KLM said...

Thank you for the chuckle. How did you not shout out, 'Oh! My eyes!'

I really do think people believe that if they can squeeze into it, they must actually be a size 4 or whatever. Score one for good self-esteem. Wish I had the confidence to pull off hot pants, although maybe when I'm that age, I'll know I look ridiculous but I just won't care.

Jayne said...

Hi KLM - glad you enjoyed! Yes I think you are right, about people believing they are a small size if-they-can-just-fit. I couldn't do it, I am not a fan of the Squoosh. But oh to have the self-esteem!