Friday, 24 September 2010

Okay, who ate my scarf?

Do you ever have a day when you cannot even control your own clothes, let alone be expected to manage Life with all its whimsy? I am having such a day. It started when I woke from being semi-smothered by my pillow. You know the day bodes badly when your own bedding is conspiring to kill you.

My cardigan on the tube turned into a giant flopping beast, determined to make friends with my tube-dwelling neighbours. Somewhere under Islington my ear-phone wire (what is that called? I somehow suspect not 'ear-phone wire') did something funky with the buttons and the whole shaboodle tied me in a knot while I was trying to get off at Kings Cross. Getting off the tube in the rush hour requires nerves of steel at the best of times; let alone when I have somehow constructed a reef knot from my clothes.

My gloves fell out of my bag as I dug deep for my travel-card; my socks keep bunching down into my trainers, and my top has decided to saucily wink a small crescent of tummy just when I least expect it. Look, clothes, I have work to do today, and I cannot keep checking if you are in the same place as you were this morning. Don’t do this to me! I am supposed to be looking corporate and business-like, despite the fact a conker* dropped out of my bag as I walked in the office. Whoops.

Sometimes I wish I was a monk. They seem to be so sorted in the fashion sense of things. Just a big brown sack – what can go wrong? Although you know I’d have problems roping it in the middle. It is my dream in life to own a slanket.** Seen them yet? A giant blanket with a head hole and sleeves. If I Were an Author (sung to the tune of ‘If I Were a Rich Man’ from Fiddler on the Roof), then magazines would picture me in my gorgeous home, notebook in hand, draped in my slanket. I would be at the forefront of slovenly female author fashion. Until those heady days, however, I am stuck with the evil cardigan and the top of doom.

*A conker is a horse-chestnut. They fall from the sky! Well, trees. Children of Old (sorry, mum) used to drill a hole through them, string them up, and bash them together to see who had the strongest conker. Cheats used to bake them in the oven first so they were like little round bricks.

**This is a slanket. My continuing laughter doesn't halt my desire, strangely.

35 comments:

Piedmont Writer said...

This made my day. I'm not the only one who has had clothes try to kill her.

I hope it gets better for you.

And I think your 'slanket' is what is commonly referred to across the pond as a 'Snuggie'. Supposedly they're all the rage however they slip on like a bathrobe so you would still need that rope.

Katie Anderson said...

I know it's wrong. I know they go against all rules of fashion and sophistication and glamour but..... I secretly want a slanket too.

Perhaps when we are both authors we could work together to make them acceptable work wear!

Carolyn V. said...

A slanket would be good today. I've changed my shirt three times now. I just wish one would fit. Good luck Jayne. I'm sure the day will only get better! =)

Plain Jane said...

I wish that I lived in a cold enough climate to own a "slanket". Since I first heard of them I have wanted one.

Madeleine said...

And of course a monk's head with shave pate looks something like a conker. :O)
Yes I have days like that, I put it down to not enough sleep, usually.

Joanna St. James said...

ah the snuggie/slanket *shudders* please no, the horror, u know they even have snuggies for dogs and in leopard print.
on a lighter not you are prolly on your way home and i am hoping your house keys work.
have a beautiful weekend

Wendy Ramer said...

Okay, my daughter loves her Snuggie, so why all the snuggie/slanket bashing? ;-)

Colene Murphy said...

lol!! We have snuggies, but actually slanket sounds better...My husband decided it was the perfect gift for my family last year and..it really was. Go snuggie!

Eliza said...

Just got my slanket out ready :-)

Fran said...

I've often envied nuns and monks, too. No one can tell when they've been at the pies.

Old Kitty said...

I've just ordererd my slanket. I don't care - I'm an old woman and I need to be warm! LOL!!

I think you'll be the bestest looking female author ever in a slanket!

I also think I should be able to wear one to and at work!

Take care
x

Hart Johnson said...

You don't need to be a monk, Jayne! Just a nudist! It will solve everything!

Made for a very amusing tale, but you KNOW clothes can't be trusted.

Maria Zannini said...

Ref: ...your own bedding is conspiring to kill you.

And thus began Stephen King. :)

Happy Frog and I said...

I had one of those days last week. It must have been bad because my other half commented on my clothing dilemmas!

I prefer old fashioned quilts myself instead of slankets, they keep me warm and look good on the sofa when they aren't being used. :-)

Kittie Howard said...

Jayne, I'm glad no one's around to see me laughing. No fun being locked up on a weekend. So That's what a conker is! I keep seeing this expression but you're the first to explain. And a slanket is a snuggie...oh, but English is a fun language!

Have a great weekend!!

Jenny Beattie said...

I'd like to be a Buddhist monk as they wear a really lovely orange robe. What do you mean that isn't really the point?

kobico said...

I don't know about the slanket. I was given one as a gift and it kept slipping down my shoulders as I sat, and when I tried to walk in it, I kept tripping over it. And forget even trying to cook with it!

Christine said...

The slanket sounds like a great idea. When it gets chilly in my tiny writing room I have been known to wrap myself in a rug. But then I'm one of those Children of Old who used to play conkers, so probably a shawl would be more appropriate. :-)

I so identify with that problem of the top riding up to reveal a crescent of tummy.

music obsessive said...

You'd never guess you've been reading P G Wodehouse - that first paragraph is pure Bertie Wooster (in a good way, of course). Even more so if you'd started, 'I don't know whether you've ever been attacked by your own pillow, but...'

Great stuff:)

Julie Musil said...

Oh my gosh, what a day you had! And your slanket there is called a snuggie here. The funny thing is, last Christmas they were all the rage. I bought each of my three sons a snuggie, and they use them all the time. So funny!

Jemi Fraser said...

I hope your day got better! I hate when my clothes give me a hard time!! :)

OfficeGirl said...

I wish there was a job out there where the uniform was Slanket only.

Carole Anne Carr said...

Loved the post. I've down-sized my bed, kept my super king sized quilt, and it is now trying to get the better of me. I'm fighting back.

Maggie May said...

What is it with these socks that keep disappearing into a shoe/trainer? it is mighty uncomfortable too.
Had to laugh at your post but sometimes our clothes do take over & mine are always convincing me that they have shrunk. I wonder why that happens!
Maggie X

Nuts in May

MT said...

I'm glad to say I did not give in and purchase a snuggie last year, not for me, or my dog. But to each his own, right? ;)

a cat of impossible colour said...

I really want a onesie with a bum flap for toilet breaks. And I fight with my clothing on a regular basis, too. It wins.

Barbara Scully said...

Brilliant.... we all have days like this.. and its so undignified. Enough to make you join a convent.

S J Watson said...

Thank you for introducing me to the slanket. What a great name for an item of clothing! I think I ought to get a brown one and sport the monk look - I'm already halfway there with the hair....

SJW

www.sj-watson.blogspot.com

Rose said...

I want a slanket too- I really dream of lounging elegantly in a kimono or something listening to Radio 4 and writing beautiful things.

I'd actually be in pajamas with holes, watching repeats and doing washing if i worked from home

Amanda said...

this is so funny, jayne -- you describe your clothing wars so visually!!

here in the states we call that thing a snuggie and they are all the rage in dorm rooms, so i hear! i guess if you wear one, you can have that monk look you're going for -- i am all for wearing the same kind of clothes (especially black for when i spill chocolate on myself, which is frequent!) every day so i don't have to think about it☺

Rachna Chhabria said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rachna Chhabria said...

Oh Jayne...I feel so bad for you. It does look like your clothes are conspiring against you.

I love the idea of a slanket. Perhaps we both can get it in 7 colors, one for each day of the week?

Hope this week is trouble free for you.

http://rachnachhabria.blogspot.com/2010/09/unleashing-our-creativity.html

Lori said...

Slovenly female author fashion. Love it. Embrace it! Thanks for the laugh and for also reminding me why I didn't like riding the Tube!

(Oh, and thanks for following my blog! It is nice to keep good company.)

Lindsay said...

Love the slanket. But I have to say your clothes looked very well behaved when I met you at the book launch!

Linda said...

Hi Jayne...thanks so much for visiting my blog. I've had a wonderful time poking around on yours and absolutely LOVE this post! good luck with your writing...I'll be back to read more!