Squeak

Due to various reasons out of my control, I am still waiting for an invoice to be paid and while the invoice itself is now taking on mythical proportions, the very real problems it is causing by its non-appearance are starting to manifest in a series of bank charges. It is another race against time, and I am powerless to speed things up this time, which is a frankly worrying state of affairs.

I emailed the company and was told that it will be paid next week, however, the way it is being paid is akin to a banking equivalent of the game Mouse Trap – it seemingly has to go through a lot of hurdles (eg an umbrella company for VAT purposes) before it reaches its home with me, where it belongs. And I have no clue as to when next week it will be paid to the umbrella company – will it be Monday? If it is, and if everything moves well in a BACS / CHAPS arrangement, this may mean I (DING!) only get fined a £35 bank charge for non-payment of my mobile bill on Wednesday. However, I reckon that nothing will be showing in my bank account until the week after which means I (DING!) get stung another £35 for Friday’s non-payment of broadband / phone / television. I don’t even want to think about the rent that is due on the following week. Or the charges that can possibly be built up on the original charges – I am just praying this invoice gets through to me, as that then takes care of the rent, and most of the bills, and if I am very lucky it will pay for my travel costs to interviews. I haven’t got as far as thinking about food yet, and as for next month? Ha.

I may sound flippant, but this is a very real problem, and I have been very lucky in my life to have never faced it before, and now I am there, I never want to go through this ever again. Never again will I take for granted the ability to buy food in a supermarket, to buy new shoes when the old ones wear out, to buy new clothes when the jeans give at the knee. I cannot imagine what this feeling must be like when you have people/children that depend on you. Bloody hell is all I can say… I went for a few interviews last week, and am through to a second interview next week. It’s a slow process though, and I am starting to wonder if by the time and grace of God I get through, whether I’ll be able to afford the travel. And if a new job pays in lieu for the first month, then that is game over really. This is, of course, if I get any of these jobs – I have been trying to dredge up charm from the bottom of the barrel, but it is a hard thing, especially as the situation is more crucial than the interviewers no doubt realise.

I have put off the benefit route, as I just didn’t think it was fair for me to claim while others really need it… and the depression I get through applying for it negates any positives. I tried it years ago, and the act of going in, taking a number, sitting on a screwed down plastic chair, waiting to shout your troubles through a plastic screen – I came out more depressed than ever, and with the feeling I was technically useless. I didn’t continue with it, luckily for me I got a job without needing it, but the association with depression stayed with me and now I know if I go down that route I will think this novel idea has been a total waste of time, I’m not skilled with anything tangible, and I’ve basically f*cked up. So I’ve been hanging on, hopeful of not needing to go there, and hopeful that something will turn up, and now I just wonder have I been really stupid again?!

Ah well… Saturday night blues. Me and J looked at each other today and said we’d probably look back on this tough time in two months from now and smile. That as maybe, but I don’t think I’ll ever forget this feeling, and that’s not such a bad thing I guess.